I think I had gotten to a point where I really just wanted to accept myself. My body always seems to fail me and between infertility and weight gain, I was just tired of expecting anything from myself. Plus I had been a size 20 (2X) for years, probably about 5 years and I was used to my wardrobe of black yoga pants on casual days and dresses with tights (or without, depending on the heat) when I was attempting pretty or going to work. But then a couple things happened.
One: we moved into the house next door and I found myself renovating again and it was so HARD. Oh my god my body ached all over. My knee got so bad it would hurt doing normal activities like shopping in the grocery store or going down a couple of steps. I thought, maybe it's my age, afterall I'm 40 years old now and the last time I was doing this stuff I was like 33.
Two: the bar Christmas party. I donned my favorite dress and got excited about all the delicious foods and we got there and everything was great and then all the hot female attorneys started showing up. Everyone one of them had a short cocktail dress, stilettos, and sleek hair. I was the exact opposite with a maxi dress, ballet shoes, and I let my hair curl that night. I was embarrassed to do anything, talk, flirt with my husband, dance, I felt completely out of place. I looked around for another girl who looked like me, is there anyone here who's 40 years old and doesn't look like Carrie Underwood??
There was not. I have to interject here for any potential readers and remind you that I like in a beach town not in the midwest. I was watching this work related video with my husband the other day and it was filmed in the town I grew up in 2 hours away from the Ocean and I turned to him and said, "Why don't our attorney's look like that?" Normal women with a little flab, a little need of a stylist and a bad perm, come on, normal stuff! It's just what it is around here.
And as I was watching one of the attorney's freak dance with another girl on the stage for the amusement of her husband I couldn't help but think about frumpy I felt and how unsexy I felt near my husband. And my feet hurt, can't we sit down.
I thought long and hard about plus sized clothes. I can't believe they can't do a better job. I'd be happy to go over to Old Navy and show them if they made their stupid t-shirts a couple inches longer they would be SO much more flattering to the plus sized gal. And even when I did find something I liked and felt cute in, pictures would show a different story or I'd just be trumped by the hot attorneys. Sigh.
I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of stumbling to the bathroom like I have 2 broken feet just because I spent the day taking down a Christmas tree or painted a bedroom. It's insanity being like this. I'm somewhere between I need to help my body who physically can no longer handle this weight and man, I wanna be hot like her. And I'm realistic in my endeavor. I'm not seeking a size 6 this time. I know I'm not going to match the 20somethings (and 30somethings and a couple approaching 40somethings), that's not my goal. I want to be a size 12 or a size 10. I want to wear pretty clothes and take pretty pictures. I want to feel strong and healthy in my body. I don't want my feet to hurt any more. I want to be able to go out on that dance floor and feel proud of myself and not feel so small while being so large.
And so it begins. I weighed in at 240 pounds on Thursday, the first of January. I lost 3 pounds the first day and one pound yesterday. I'm weighing myself every day. It's what all the folks do who lost a bunch of weight and kept it off. If they do it and it works for them, I'm going to do it too.
I'm also utilizing 3 iphone apps to help in my journey. Two I consider for fun and one is my calorie tracker. I'm using Bang Bang, which essentially your record your weight every day and it tells you to eat normally or eat light based on how your weight for that day places you in your goal. The problem with this app is everyone loses water weight the first week so you're already ahead before you start so it takes a while to catch up. I'm using it anyway because I like plugging my weigh in everyday, seeing the chart (I love charts) and seeing where I am on my chart and where I should be. I'm also using Paper Weight, a fun little app where everyday you record your new weight by virtually ripping off post it notes (each one has 1/2 pound). So you can see how fun it was the first day to rip off 6 virtual post it notes, very exciting indeed. And third, everyone's favorite, Lose it. I'm a big fan of counting calories so this is the app for me. It's attractive and easy to use, I like it.
My initial goal is, of course, Onederland. Losing 2 pounds a week puts me at 199 pounds the last week of May so that's my first goal. My second goal is 160 pounds, and I'll reassess from there, but for now I'm focused on my first goal. I like the idea of breaking it up because a) onederland in it's self a huge goal from someone who hasn't been under 200 since before my wedding in 2005, and b) jeez, 80 pounds sounds like a terrible amount of weight and a bit overwhelming so I'll just break it up into more manageable bits.
Ok, well, I guess that's a start. More to come later.