So I'm cleared to do whatever I want. Good thing because on Friday I helped move a sofa (granted it was an Ikea sofa so it was half as light as a normal sofa) and Saturday I distributed 40 lb bags of dirt in a sad attempt to level out the back yard (so not going to happen).
Sometime approaching my 40th birthday I decided I didn't want to look at my french daybed anymore. I bought it 100 years ago because I thought it was the perfect kids bed. And there it sat waiting for a kid for 100 years. It was too small for a guest bed (it's smaller than a twin believe it or not) and uncomfortable to sit on like a sofa because of the sides so it just gathered cat hair and was one more reminder how I'm not going to be a mommy.
I wanted it gone.
I was going to get a double bed, a respectable guest bed for real live guests. Then we moved next door and all our extra money went to renovating the blue house. The more we were here the more I thought what would be great is to have a pull out sofa. Then we'd still have the space of the room and be able to fold it out for guests.
Then my mom found a perfectly good (well stained and slightly ripped) Ikea sofa being thrown out (oh, rich people). She got it home and since I knew my mom has 3 extra sofas I said to her if you ever want to get rid of this sofa I'll buy it from you. And eventually she agreed. Then there were weeks, endless weeks of trying to organize how to move the sofa over here and move the day bed to her house in an empty bedroom. Finally Friday Brian and I rented a truck and move it ourselves.
I AM SO UNBELIEVABLY ECSTATIC ABOUT MY NEW SOFA.
It's not a fold out but that's okay. I can see how I like having a sofa in the space and maybe one day we can buy a fold out if that's what we decide is best of for the space. The awesomeness is getting the sad daybed out and something to replace it for FREE!
The daybed is gone. I've been looking at it since I bought it thinking about the kids I would have and the stories I would read them in that bed and now that I'm 40 with 6 years of infertility behind me I don't have to look at it anymore to remind me of the things I don't have.
...Which leads to my segway, because try as you might, somethings can not be escaped...
Yesterday we drove to visit a couple of my husband's college buddies vacationing about an hour away. This is the scenario that I still have the hardest problem with. The guys separate to talk about sports and the girls sit together and talk about their kids. I don't have kids so what do I possible have to contribute to the conversation? I was literally sitting on this beautiful perfect beach between the guys and the girls completely by myself. Completely by myself. It's the weirdest feeling.
I try to remind myself that it's like this for a reason that I'm supposed to feel like this and that I'm going to be okay and though I'm missing out on babies, my life is still going to be great and wonderful and just because I feel moments of intense sadness because I'm not a mom and therefore basically APART, I've felt this way most of my life, I can handle this. I think I just always thought one day I would feel normal and part of the normalcy of life, but just because I never will doesn't mean everything is terrible. I'm going to be okay. I wasn't even jealous of not having kids. I just wanted to be a part of it, part of the group, part of something bigger than myself. If I had kids I could talk about my kids, I could say mommy things like gotta go potty. We could gab forever the sweet anecdotes about our kids because what else would we talk about? That's all moms do, right?
Eventually Brian noticed me, honestly I was surprised it took him so long, and we walked down to the ocean by ourselves and I watched him jump in the ice cold water. When we got back I stood with him and the guys and eventually every one moved to the heated pool and then back up to the suite for dinner.
At one point I was sitting with Brian's friend's mom and we were talking and I was thinking to myself yes, maybe older women is the way to go to have things to talk about. Older women go to movies and travel and have pets and garden, this is perfect.
Conversation got quiet for a moment and then she said, "My granddaughter is a dancer."