Thursday, May 31, 2012

The Field

We've had 3 "opportunities" for adoption since we started renovating the blue house in September.  I say "opportunities" because I don't know how considerable they are, just like I don't know if you can really consider my 2 miscarriages, real miscarriages.  One was 2 weeks of knowing I was pregnant and not even making it to the first ultrasound and the second was having a bad first beta and knowing it didn't look good, the second beta 2 days later confirmed the numbers dropping and then I miscarried a couple days after that, I pretty much knew right off.

When I was recaulking the tub over here, see how I remember what I was doing, my mom called and said her neighbor's granddaughter was pregnant and very poor and couldn't afford the baby and was looking for a home.  I pretty much let my mom take the lead on that.  I was actually angry at the time because my big thing was moving here was going to help me move past being a mom and I wasn't even in the house yet and fate was trying to drop a baby in my lap.  I adjusted pretty quickly (obviously) and we got to the point where it was time to meet the mom and she backed out and decided to keep the baby.  I think because I was so swamped with renovations it didn't get to me too much though I remember Brian and I laying in bed talking about having a baby for Christmastime.  You do things like that.

The second time was through a colleague of Brian's.  Her daughter's friend was pregnant and was looking for adoptive parents for her baby.  I don't know how far this one got either.  We found out she had a miscarriage which then felt like we were closer than we probably were and then I got mad at God again for literally taking the baby away.  Oh, me and god. 

This time was last Wednesday and it was through the same colleague.  This time felt a little different.  This was was a client of the colleague.  First thing that was different was the baby was already born and the mom had lost custody of 2 previous children.  The baby was born with cocaine in its system so it would go straight to foster care, or adoption if she chose.  I think it was a situation where the idea would be presented that she could allow the baby to be adopted by us and be able to skip dss court appointments and fighting with dss for years to regain custody of the baby.   The baby stays out of the system and the mom can go on with her life.    And it broke down somewhat like this.  The mom was missing from the halfway house over the weekend.  The mom was found.  The mom missed her appointment with her attorney on Tuesday.  Then, and we knew it was coming by then, the mom skipped court on Wednesday.

The moment the mom went missing, I knew it was over, and when she missed court on Wednesday, it's pretty much over.  Sure maybe they can track her down quickly, immediately and hold her down long enough to explain the situation and what could be the best for the baby but the baby is going in the system.  Today, tomorrow, I don't know but soon, and once that happens it's over for us.  Scrambling, seems an impossibility.   All this happened over the course of a week.  We found out last Wednesday that we had a good chance and this Wednesday we found out we have very little chance.

Speaking of last Wednesday, I really loved the Modern Family finale.  I loved when Cam and Mitchen fell into the field exhausted and frustrated with another failed adoption.  I wanted everyone to see it and know this is what it's like, you don't just clap your hands and adopt a baby.  It's difficult and draining and hard and sad and frustrating.  Your chances seem slimmer than it did when you tried on your own.  It's a freaking miracle if it happens, a downright miracle and should seem anything less.  This time I thought it would really work out, this felt like my baby, starting with knowing it was born already, that it was a girl and I just bought this wack-a-doo turquoise rug for the front bedroom.  That our baby would be in the middle of my brother's two children in age, how great is that?  Having a whole week where my cloud lifted and I felt normal.  I could read baby blogs and think about decorating a nursery.  We walked through the baby section of Target and I didn't get sad or get hives.  Brian pointed out a Hispanic baby in the baby section and said she would look like that baby.  The first time I've been in Target baby section and there's a Hispanic baby there?  That's serendipity.  It's a sign!

I felt normal for a whole week.  So I'm trying to hold onto that.  That and knowing we had 3 chances since September and that's huge.  Something could be just around the corner and maybe, just maybe, that one might work.