I don't know what this place is supposed to be anymore. It started as a story of triumph in daily reflection and kick-assery. I miss those days and I know I can never have that same experience again. Then it became even more, something I was proud of and excited of, a depth of honesty and insight, any person would be crazy to do these days. And now...?
I have no idea. No earthly idea. I just miss the way it used to be when I knew I had direction or I knew what I wanted to say.
Brian was telling me the other day how my mom decorates too much. We saw her car at the Pier One parking lot. To put this in context you'd have to know all my mom does is talk about money, her lack of money, and what on earth will she do when she runs out of money. The rest of the time she talks about how she spends money and the justifications, the necessity, the "investment." I get frustrated with her about it, mostly because Brian's right, I can see myself in her when it comes to this sort of thinking. He said, "You constantly have to be doing something and when you run out of something to do you want to change something that's perfectly fine."
I thought I was just doing what the majority of the blogs I read do, decorate their houses, but it's kind of stumped me and left me still, which of course makes the world circle around me in a dizzying way. I thought I had linear movement when it comes to decorating, I thought I was doing something worthy that gives me IMMENSE joy. But besides the internet (and my mom) I don't know anyone else who constantly buys things to fix up the house, constantly wants to change the house, constantly has the next project ready to go. People buy sofas and hang pictures (usually too high) and then leave it like that for 20 years.
HGTV is my ESPN. I watch it when I'm not even watching it. If what I do is wrong how do I reverse it? And then what will I do with my time? The weirdest part of the whole thing is I don't even share my projects here and that's what I was supposed to do. Why haven't I posted anything of worth since the move. Even when we moved I did a pretty lackluster job of putting that on my blog. And now I feel kind of embarrassed about it.