Monday, October 8, 2012

Happy Anniversary Baby

October 8 not only commemorates my wedding anniversary to my dear husband but marks 7 years of infertility and not being able to grow our family.

I remember long ago this one blog post where I posted with such desperation, I even remember where I was, in a hotel at one of my husband's conferences.  I was so distraught, I think I started my period early or something and really had a melt down.  There was no way this was happening to me, no way I will ever accept not having children.  I have to have children, there is no alternative, etc.

Well, here I am many years later and I think I'm really working towards acceptance.  Not to say I'm there or that it's easy.  It's difficult to spend your whole life thinking it will go one way and then it doesn't.  A lot of people like to say this is life, and maybe it is, maybe this is the recognition of that for me, in my early 40s or what life is really like.  I always thought life was hard and imperfect and not fair but I would always look toward the days I would be a mom as a benchmark to push onward.  Everything will be okay because one day this will happen.  And now that's not going to happen and it's hard to mesh that with my younger self and tell her, hey, it's still going to be okay, everything I went through didn't kill me, didn't make me a terrible person, I don't do drugs, I don't abuse people, I do overeat, but hey, you can't be perfect.  Life can still be wonderful.  I just have to see it a different way now and that's okay.  It's a slow process but I'm geting there.  I no longer pound my fist at the injustice of it, I actually miss that, I miss knowing in my heart that it was going to happen one day as long as I believed it.

Now I'm 41.  I had fibroid surgery when I was 35.  I had a polyp removed the same year.  I had two pregnancies, both ending rather quickly.  I had 10 iui's.  I was finally told I was a poor responder to fertility meds.  Then I had an emergency appendectomy that was caused by endometriosis.  My body obviously does not want to get pregnant.  It was not meant to be afterall.

Still, I'm amazingly fortunate.  I love my husband and he is such a gift to me.  It makes me feel vulnerable but that's what life it about.  I'm a very lucky girl and I value my life.  I'm going to make the best of it whatever direction it turns. I miss what was lost and Facebook especially makes me very sad sometimes, but I'm very happy in so many ways.