Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The Slow Boil

First a little history.

I made a determined effort at the beginning of the year to lose weight.  I was doing pretty good too until after Valentine's day when I started feeling nauseous every hour of every day.  Two weeks later I was in the emergency room for an emergency appendectomy.  I had continued to lose quite a bit while I was sick.  I didn't and couldn't really eat a lot so it made it easier.  I also was certain I had IBS and started trying every IBS diet I could find to find some relief from this terrible constant ache and twisting I had.  None of them helped, obviously, because I didn't have IBS.  Even after surgery for some unknown reason I got nauseous about a week after I got home.  I was so scared because I thought I had rid myself of that feeling and here it was again, agonizing me.  But luckily, thank god, it finally went away.

It was around that time that I started associating hunger with my nauseous and I took a break from feeling hungry.  I thought I could control it, I never went crazy, but I do know I cannot maintain weight, even over 200 pounds, and not be hungry most of the time.  This is my reality.

I weighed myself from time to time and kept telling myself it wasn't so bad.  I don't know where this rationality comes from.  Brian describes it as the frog in a pot scenario.  If you put a frog in boiling water he'll jump out but if you put him in cold water and slowly let the water get hot, he'll just sit there.

I'm really good at just sitting there.

Then about a week or so ago a few things happened that are not things I really want to go into here but they forced to me to think about some things I hadn't thought about in a long time and after 7 years of marriage I shared some stuff from the dark parts of my childhood with my husband that I had never told him before.  I don't know if it was the crying about it or finally sharing it with my husband but I felt this sense of release.  A couple other things came into play and it felt like a switch went off inside me.

I think I'm going to be able to do this.

So I wanted to take some time to make sure I was serious and it wasn't some 24 hour diet bug I got and it's been about a week now, maybe a little more and I feel really good.  Really strong and really determined.

When I started my diet in January I weighed 241 (crazy!) pounds.  When my surgery was over the last of the nausea went away I weighed 205.5 pounds.  I know, don't tell me.  So close.  A couple days ago I weighed myself and I weighed 229.  The boiling frog in me actually thought hey, less than 230, like a dumbass.  I gained 23.5 pounds since March.  That's a lot and it was very easy.  I wasn't like stuffing my face 24/7, I was just eating pretty normally with the occasional comfort eating episode.

For me, food is very comforting.  I don't smoke or drink (very occasionally, like once a year) or do drugs or dangerous sports or even drive fast.  When I'm stressed or just want to relax I eat something amazing.  I don't think I'm a binge eater, I used to, but I'm very particular about what I will eat.  I want something delectable or I won't bother.  I love desserts most of all and I like a big portion.  And I think, it wouldn't take much to gain 24.5 pounds with that sort of mentality.  And that's why this is so hard for me.  There's nothing to comfort me, I have nothing to replace that feeling with. 

So I have to find other ways to comfort myself like the thought of feeling pretty and more secure with myself or taking care of my husband or being the best kitty mom in the land.  I'm still working that part out.  And I've failed so many times before but I don't care, I want to try again.

I don't feel healthy at this weight and I certainly feel no confidence.  My confidence is at an all time low.  And it's really sad because I know inside I'm a pretty person but when I see myself I know what people think of me and it makes me feel very small (irony!). And I don't want to feel small anymore.  I've been though a lot in my life, I've missed out on a lot, and I don't want to miss out on my happiness and my sense of worth anymore.  I want to feel as beautiful on the outside as I do on the inside.  I'm worth that, it's worth giving it another go.

From here.